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Dear God,

I’m sinner. I’m not patient, loving and kind. I’ve said and done nasty, pesky and sassy things. As a result, I’m hurt, dejected and embarrassed. Recently, a dear friend hurt me in both word and action. Each time we met, I almost began to enjoy the leverage of being the offended one. His first overtures of restitutions were resisted because of the gravity of the judgment I had made. The most difficult thing was to surrender my indignation and work through my hurt. Deep down, I know he deserves a better treatment.

I’m suddenly seized with a feeling of great uncertainty and confusion.

I’m having “the more I secure, the more I lose” syndrome. I always and still believe that God is fair. Everything happens for a purpose, the bad and the good. When you have too much, somehow or rather you will lose it little by little. It’s like a weighing scale, the good and the bad takes its side. You can neither have the good exceeds the bad nor the vice versa. It’s both internal and external equilibrium.

Yes, I’m slowly losing it which is the last thing I want to do. But the fact that I’m not doing anything to sustain it left me in pain and ache. In fact, I’m guilty.

Finally, the Lord got me where he wanted me; He whispered to me that forgiveness means giving up my right to punish another. When we withhold forgiveness, we release peace and restoration to the forgiven and to ourselves.

More often than not, it’s easier said than done. Time and again, I’m holding back.

Yes, growing is pain.

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