Learning to breathe

My emotions are stirring up.

I’m grumpy, cranky, angry, moody and gloomy.

Jonathan underwent an unnecessary operation last Monday. For the past 2 weeks, he has been experiencing excruciating back pain, loss of appetite and severe stomach pain to boot.

He threw up whatever he had eaten.

We all assumed that it was probably due to the side effects of the drugs and excessive painkillers.

After about 10 days of torment, doctors concluded that his intestine actually got “mend” to his previous healing wound.

So yeah, he visited the ICU for the 3rd time in the past 2 months.

Don’t get me wrong, I totally believe in the power of positive thinking.

I’m hopeful but I’m prepared as much as I refuse to.

But without fail, every time when I see him, my sadness channels into him. That’s the last thing that he would want me to do.


I felt hurt, dejected.

I try to mingle around. I try to put a wide smile on my face. I try to move on. I try to face the day with anticipation. I try.

I felt lost and blank.


On the other note, I’ve grown.

I’ve grown in faith.

I’ve grown to be stronger.

I’ve grown to see suffering and pain of my dear ones.

I’ve learnt not to take people for granted.

I’ve grown to appreciate life more than ever.

I’ve grown to be patient.

I’ve grown to trust in Him and people around me

I’ve grown to a be a better person in the midst of all these.

Most importantly, I’ve grown

..how to love.



“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1). Biblical faith is determined by 1) reliance upon God rather than man and 2) confidence in the unseen power of God.


After 6 distressing hours, the sight of him ushered by a team of nurses and doctors was a relief. I caught a fleeting glimpse of him before he was escorted to the ICU. One of the nurses questioned if I were his next of kin. “No”, I snapped.

A nurse finally attended to us after 20 minutes, we went to the ICU as directed, white coat with disinfected hands. I tried to compose my feature into a smile before stepping into the room.

The atmosphere in the room was intense. Tubes were sticking out from his wrists, neck, chest and nose. My heart sank, tears were swelling.

Doctor came to monitor his condition. He hesitated to explain further till the result of his biopsy is out. We probed further.


“I love you, dear”, I whispered.


That night was the first time I utter those three words to him.


After his surgery, my second semester commenced shortly. I left Aachen with a heavy heart on Sunday night and prayed and hoped faithfully for the best.

The next day, I went to school with zero excitement, enthusiasm or whatsoever. Prayers and hope filled my day.

“One missed call”

Finally, the call I’ve been waiting for displayed on my screen.

I was doing my grocery and my heart raced.

I stood there numb and stunned.


Since the arrival of my sisters back in December, ups and downs kept rolling in. To be honest, I haven’t really gotten over the fact that I didn’t manage to send them to the airport. I was torn between to stay till their flight back or to go Aachen for his surgery. How I wish at that point we were stone’s throw away from each other.


Two months have passed marking from my first day of school, it has been a rough ride. We were battling with our emotions, shock, pain, anger, fear, frustration, sadness, loneliness, and doubts and above all how to grow strong and believe in Him.

The journey was tough, from his first diagnostic surgery to his kidney removal surgery and now undergoing the targeted treatment.

It’s upsetting to see him suffers in agony. I feel helpless and my heart breaks when his frail body lies feebly on the bed.

I’m still trying to overcome the fear and trusting that only He has the power to heal him.

To Him, 4th stage cancer is like every other disease.


My dear Jonathan,

Stay strong and positive. Be confident and wait patiently for your healing. We will go through this together. Promise me not to give up on us.

I LOVE YOU baby!