Dear Baby,

It has been 4 months since you left me. Needless to say, I’m missing you very much, everyday, wondering about your wellbeing like I used to though I know that now you are very well taken care of. I still have to keep reminding myself that. I know I’m silly. I’m a strong strong girl, definitely can pull this through!

Yay! Christmas is around the corner. I love the atmosphere, the light, the stars, the angels, the tree, and the presents. They are so pretty! Christmas is indeed the best gift during dreadful winter time. God is awesome, isn’t he? I just got myself a cute little Christmas-tree like light deco for my room today. It’s now sitting with the small little gifts you bought me.

Baby, you’ve got to watch over me, right? I need strength to face and deal with my everyday’s challenges and trails. You’ve got to help me to put myself together and protect me in every way you can, ok? Promise me?

I love you, my sayang.


Your dearest


Dear baby,

I miss you very much! How are you? Do you miss me? How’s heaven like? Is it cool to live on the clouds? Do you get to see northern light every day? Do you wear Jesus-like rope and have halo? I’m worried about you, you know, thinking of you all the time. Though I know that you are now in the best place you could possibly be.

Things are fine on my side, running in and out with the hustle and bustle. At the end of the day, I’ll just ponder and wish that you’ll be here with me, and missing the moments waking up by your side.

Well, there’s this footballer, Germany’s goalkeeper Robert Enke just took own life a couple of days ago. There’s a lot going on the media. His memorial and funeral service, it was just too much for me. It saddens me and at the same time I’m angry with him. People fight for their lives and would trade anything for another day. How I wish you were given a choice to live longer. But, that’s nature. We are in no control of that. You just can’t go against the nature. That’s wrong and sinful. What more leaving his loved ones behind.

I watched MJ’s this is it show yesterday. It was so surreal. Just few months ago, we were talking on the phone over his sudden death and watching his memorial service. And pfoooffs… the next thing, you left me.

People always leave. Famous, rich, poor, good, evil, noble, just that everyone leaves. So tell me baby, how do we value our lives? Or do we always need to put a value into everything and everyone in our lives?

Who and what matters?

It’s hard for me to tell.

I’ve been searching for peace and serenity. I strive for my freedom and hunt for my happiness.

But, you can’t plan or look for happiness. It just happens – simple joys such as humble before Him.

Likewise today, merely 5 months ago, I was complaining to you how painful it was to get rid one of my wisdom teeth. And you pampered me effortlessly. And today I had two of them extracted all at the same time. It was gruesome, the pain and the pressure just yuckkk. You were all I could ever think of.


Your sayang


People grow. 18 years of life. I’ve come this far. Have I seen enough? Well, it’s my random thought. Life is just too insignificant. We don’t live to just to exist. We live because we have dreams and goals to achieve. We live because we think we can make a difference. Call me naive and innocent. I don’t live because I have to. I live because I want to. Everything in my life now is just too monotonous. My conscience and scruples are clear.


#1 Learn, pass and excel in German (checked)
#2 Get at least 85 pointers for AUSMAT (checked)
#3 Fly to Germany (checked)
#4 Study Environmental Enginnering (checked)
#5 Travel around Europe (in the process)
#6 Save money for my family to visit me (checked)
#7 Study in Western Germany (Hamburg-checked)
#8 Work for UNESCO
#9 Meet Nelson Mandela
#10 Win the Noble Peace Prize
#11 See Bush assassinated, murdered in a horrendous and appaling way
#12 Adopt a kid
#13 Work as a volunteer for the Third World Countries
#14 Work for Green Peace
#15 Mend the Ozon hole
#16 Teach Malaysian to be more courteous
#17 Be a environmental and world peace advocate
#18 Fight for poverty and hunger
#19 Fight for gender equality and racial discrimination
#20 Form Kwa Foundation like Bill Gates


#1 Favouritism
#2 Discrimination
#3 Prejudice
#4 Surplus
#5 Poverty
#6 Diseases
#7 Marginalization
#8 Corruption
#9 War
#10 Suffering

There are just too many for me to list down. But I care. At least these are the things that I concern and dwell on.

The above post was published exactly 2 years ago, when I first started this blog.

Today I question myself, in this 2 years time, have time shaken my beliefs in my set of values and morality?

But one thing for sure, having a boyfriend is definitely not in the list.


Sometimes, I do wonder if knowledge does necessarily result in happiness. Of course, there’s no boundary or extent on how much one could possibly know. You know, it’s always the more the merrier kinda thing.

Sometimes, living inside a shell is not a bad thing. I guess that’s what most people would choose to do – living blissfully in their comfort zone. After all, so what if there’s some bloody-jackass-moron suicide bomber blasted Pakistan? So what, if a bloody new rocket just invaded the moon?

Do all these things even matter our lives?

Or do we choose to even allow these things to bother us?

Take my parents for example. You see when I was back in Malaysia for my summer break; my vision was clear and still is. I’m a BEACH person. I can trade anything for sun, sea and sand, anything. All I wanted was just a humble gateway to beaches in Indonesian and Thailand. That was when knowing too much spoilt my party – religion extremists, political unrest, natural disasters and etc and etc.

There I was, trapped in Bolehland, the safest country in whole wide world, ohhh of course and Germany. Just that, I wouldn’t trade my parents for the world.

In some cases, being too alert or sensitive does not always simplify things. In fact, it complicates our lives. Making every decisions harder to reach and worst of it worries us!


The effect of the coffee boost is failing…

Hence, my two cents will be continued…

P/S : Happy 26th Birthday Michelle!! You’re not just a year older but a year better!!