Ai <3

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Homecoming

This thing has been bothering me for quite some time.

One of my many missions to accomplish in this trip back is to learn how to open up with my family. This might sound crazy but I’ve never actually shared with my family before, what I want to do and want in life. From my past experiences, my family hasn’t been really happy with my impulsive behavior and “little surprises” I’ve thrown to them. Each time I announced my ‘little project’ to them, it’s like a whole bloody deadly bomb that I’ve just placed in front of them.

The delivery of my every “masterpiece” failed every darn time in the past. To keep me sane, this has got to stop. I totally understand that Asian family has certain values that need to be respected and condoned. I can’t be doing whatever I want to do without having a tiny bit of support and understanding from my very own family. To be politically correct, I need a bloody approval from my family desperately.

So, my task is to present them my master plan. 😛

I know I’m not the most diplomatic person to begin with. I’m emotional and start losing my head when I can’t fork over my thoughts and when people start doubting me. I’m a bloody stubborn species. Once decision is made, I’ll stick to it. Try to change me, you can almost forget about it.

Sounds like an ungrateful monster? Sorry mom, dad, sisters and brother, I’m just the black sheep of the family.

Again, I understand that it’s hard for them to digest my decisions and actions which might seem bizarre to them.

But why to them in fact to everyone, one cannot make ANY difference in SMALL scale.

Why must it be the ‘I believe in making changes in BIG scale. Only THAT can change the WORLD. Only when you are someone prominent, rich and famous, you will have all the attention of the world that worships you as an idol.

I’m not even talking about changing the world now, people.

I’m just trying to play my tiny weenie role, on the things that I’m compassionate about. I just want to share with you the pieces of information I have which led me to these decisions.

I’m not even trying to change the way you think or want to be a smarty pants to preach to you about the whole energy, ecology, equality and economy system. I just want to share with you the consciousness that I have in order for you to see for once the perspective through my eyes.

Why is it always that if you can’t change the system why don’t you just be an obedient little girl and follow the crowd thing?

Why do you need to doubt me by asking, so what have you done so far?

Why do you choose to ignore because you feel that making small differences doesn’t matter at the end?

Why is it always a NO WAY OUT situation? So are you telling me that I’m doing is in vain baby, the world is going to end soon anyway, people are killing each other, oil is running out, trees are dying, global is warming and yada yada…?

SO, does it mean that now that if I’ve failed to convince my family, I can forget about making ANY differences at all OUT there?

Man in the mirror people!

Start from yourself.

To the children of the world, and those not as yet born.

I will try my best to speak up for you!

Cheers!

Sail away

I’m sitting here in my room that I’ve lived for almost 3 years, now empty as it was before. I have this tinge of melancholic feeling that I couldn’t really figure out yet how to describe. As I ran through my belongings, packed, unpacked, unpacked and packed again, I realized how much I’ve grown and changed as a person. The person I used to be, the things which seemed to be so important to me back then have awakened no interest to me anymore.

It’s hard to depart with certain things. They bring us back to the memory lane and the reminiscence is limitless. It’s like a catalyst. It triggers you, it says to you aloud shouting, “Hey you! You remember me? Remember you used to………? I’ve missed you!”

I’m left with none other than these three choices, to donate, to discard, and to dock after mulling them over for almost three days. Believe me, it was the longest 3 days, ever.

Donating is pretty easy, books, clothes, food basically anything which can bring benefit other people fall into this category. Let it go, let these things do its duty, let them be useful to other people I thought to myself. Why hold on to things which you know you’re not using it but keep wondering to yourself what if IN CASE you might somehow or rather, potentially need it ONE DAY?

Screw that ONE DAY; I want that you be useful to other people TODAY.

So these things were happily channeled to Oxfam and an Orphanage for charity.

Discarding is disheartening. It’s unbelievable how much of courage it took me to shake things off my hands. Again, if I don’t I’d never have enough space to fill in the imminent undertakings.

Docking takes strength. You need energy to restore and care to conserve them.

This is Life. Every day we are making these three choices.

Looking back, I’ve got to admit that I am glad of every decision I’ve made so far. I care that today I must live my life with all that I can give for the passion and people I love most.

I was taking a breezy night walk along my favorite area of the city with a friend earlier. We passed by my favorite bars, restaurants and coffee shops. I can’t help but have this huge sense of gratefulness and tears swelled my eyes. I love this city. I will miss this place and the people.

Thank you Hamburg!

PS: Happy Birthday Madiba! I dedicate this to you. 46664 will always be remembered!

It doesn’t matter I’m poked thrice today! Thank you Blood Bank Hamburg for the compensation, at least my pain wasn’t in vain.

A song entitled Hamburg, my City. Some sneak peek of this lovely city. 😀

World through our eyes

I fear growing up, discovering a wider perspective of everything. Being tossed in the world and society, questioning the purpose of our lives.

I fear discovering people’s sufferings and yet couldn’t comprehend individuals who enjoy inflicting pain on others.

This world is full with contradictions and yet the beauty of it lies in this art of complexity.

My little heart weeps with tear of joy every time I watch this video clip, to remind me that the World is full of Love and Hope.

Today

 

Bonnie Ware’s style of writing is simple but somehow powerful. Enjoy of my favorite here.

What does good enough mean to you? Does it mean true contentment? Does it mean satisfying the dreams of your heart? Or does it mean plodding along?

We are the creators of our own lives, whether we do so consciously or not. Many people go through lives with dreams, but with no honest ambition to see them come true, or with no real belief that attaining them is actually possible.

Sometimes we see our dreams as a fantasy, not as a possibility. We get so caught up in that fantasy that we become addicted to the dream itself. Yet we are scared of seeing it realised, of it becoming reality. We hang onto the dream as a dream, with no true belief or intention to make it reality. And yet what are dreams? They are the yearnings of our heart, the driving force of who we are.

So, many people plod along through life semi-satisfied with a mediocre existence. This doesn’t present challenges. It allows safety in routine and conformity. Why rock the boat and change anything? Why indeed? As they watch the lives of others for hours and hours on television, their own lives are passing them by.

Fear, an emotion given far too much power, rules. We all have fear. No one is immune. But we have a choice to face it and in doing so, dissolving it into the nothingness from which it came. It takes courage, will, strength, determination, and positive action. As Einstein said, wisdom comes from the doing not the knowing. We can all know about something enough, but until we actually do it, we can never truly know it.

We are given the power of choice. And our lives are our own. We owe it to ourselves to be the very best we can be. Life is over in a short time. And not all of us will even be blessed with living until old age. If this was the last week of your life, are you living how you truly want to be or working toward that?

Congratulations if it is. And thankfully for some it will be. But guaranteed, none of those people have a mediocre existence. Anyone who knows true contentment knows that they have had to work toward it, make conscious choices, face fear and be misunderstood. But the beating of their heart is the beat they walk to, not a beat set in time by others or by fear.

I fell into conversation with a lady the other day, a stranger, as I often do. We chatted for about ten minutes, laughing and friendly. As we departed, we hugged and wished each other well. It was lovely of course. Until her final words to me, “You have a good enough day”. Good enough? What sort of farewell is that?! What sort of wish is that? It took me back, initially leaving me a little speechless. I then wished her well on her way, in a much more positive fashion, and off we went to our own lives. But it stayed on my mind all day and still is, obviously. “You have a good enough day!” Her heart meant well. I know that. The greeting was given with kind intentions.

But to me “You have a good enough day” translates roughly into “You have a day of mild boredom and complacency, an average day that you survive just for the sake of it”. Gee thanks! It was a puzzling remark and still leaves me a little puzzled. But having expectations that others will be as we are, or as we would like them to be, is a waste of time anyway and as I said, I am sure that her intention was kind.

Personally, I can’t do good enough. I tried that. It was never good enough! If we spend our lives kidding ourselves that we are happy with good enough, then we will join the ranks of some of my previous dying patients, who wished too late that they had found the courage to honour their own hearts.

You have the power of choice to create the life that you dream of.

So what is good enough for you? What is it that you could change to take you to another level of contentment in life? The changes don’t have to be grand. We can only ever do one step at a time anyway. We can talk ourselves out of our dreams if we look too far ahead, wondering how on earth it could all come together. We don’t know how it will all come together. Leave that up to life itself, because life rewards those who honour their hearts, in ways too perfect for us to imagine.

Our job is to find the courage and simply take the first step. Then the next step will be revealed, then the next and so on. Each step will become clear when it is time to do so. Don’t worry about anything beyond that. Just take the step in front of you.

Then one day, you realise that you are now living your dream. It is real, not a fantasy anymore. You have caught up with it. It is said that our dreams come a size too big so we can grow into them. Be open to growing in that direction. You owe it to yourself.

What is good enough for you? What is good enough that you can look back on your life and be content with the choices that you have made? I hope that it is how you are living your life now. But if it isn’t, then what are you waiting for? Determine what is good enough and take the first step towards that. That’s all that you have to do. Take one small step at a time.

Then one fine day, you will smile to yourself. You will realise that you did it, that the life you are now living really is good enough.