The million dollar question overflowing by million possibilities; if I’m able to tell with a snap of a finger, you might see a halo circling above my head.
Indecision, fear and underestimation have all overthrown our own potentials and capabilities.
You see, the inability to see the imminent is what we human have been struggling to accept. On the contrary to many people who resist CHANGES in their lives – meaning being out of their comfort zone is an unforeseeable option, I suffer the otherwise.
In my case being home in Malaysia with my family, that being said: being fed, chauffeured, laundry and clothes being done, no tedious house chores and dishes waiting for me to fill up my day and no hassle of me taking sweet time to do groceries by my own is a HUGE change in my life. All these being in “comfort zone”, having stability, security, privileges and sudden “change” of my lifestyle hasn’t been easy for me to digest and adapt to for the past few weeks.
I’m challenged to accept this change of being pampered while enjoying my sweet time watching the clock ticking away while idling around.
After reading the ‘Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother’ by Amy Chua, I somehow feel perplexed and have led me to reflect on my very own childhood with my siblings. I question my parents’ parenting skills and relate myself very closely to the character in the book, “Lulu”. She displayed a lot similar personalities as I myself will define it as attitude.
Let me shed the light by explaining the dynamics in our family, and how in merely 4 years, we’ve grown and things around changes. Mind you that, although my parents are nowhere close to being ‘Tiger’ parents however this term is highly applicable when it comes to being ‘immigrant’ parents in Malaysia where we have to fight for our presence among the ‘native’ people.
My dad is the government. His autocratic style of leadership makes him a dictator. Unlike behind every dictator, there is usually a wife wielding considerable power, but my mom’s gentle face and character leaves our only hope of a would-be reformist regime down to zero. I was brought up to be a rebellious kid questioning every sense of our actions and despising discipline. Nevertheless, my relationship with my dictator has trained me to fight for everything I want in my life. The higher the resistant, the more exciting are the challenges and the more perseverance I tend to be. Stubborn is how they define me.
The next person I’ve came upon to respect after my parents has got to be my elder sister. She displays a picture perfect of our Y generation these days. She’s fashionable, stylish, contented and beautiful. In other words, she places high importance in aesthetic values. Until today, I’m still figuring out if the definition of beauty to her is equivalent to skinny. Needless to say, she and her boyfriend are ambitious and have the future well in hands.
Then my younger sister, I’d like to think that we possess similar personalities by accident. One of the reasons can be contributed by our love for the environment. Hence, we care for similar cause and are able to share and discuss when problems aroused. She’s jovial, soft, sweet and smart.
I’d have to give in that my respect and admiration for my brother mounted over the period. He has grown into a man of words. Quiet but considerate, he acts without words. Steady and diligent which I hope I could pick up from him.
While everyone around me is busy living their lives: work, universities, boyfriends, girlfriend, paycheck, future, career, babies, aging, I’m overwhelmed with a huge sense of gratitude and reflecting on the life I’ve chosen.
I’m right here today, while checking my bucket lists I’m standing on a crossroad questioning and following my heart and the opportunities appeared to me.
Over the years the experiences through traveling, relationships, friendships, hardships, love, loss, illness, loneliness, grief which have thought me to be who I am today, I’m still waiting for the calling of my life.
Western, Chinese and Asian influences, you many name it? What have universities, professors, Germans, Russians, Europeans, Indians, Chinese, Scandinavians, Canadians and Kiwis to student hostels, backpackers, farms, NGOs, ashrams, tropical forests, national parks, and deserts have taught me?
For whatever reasons they are, I know the next is waiting for me to unveil its mystery.
And for now, I just want to continue what I enjoy best, LIVE and LOVE courageously